"We do not remember days; we remember moments." ~Cesare Pavese

This morning is quiet.  The proverbial "quiet before the storm."

Jeff S. and Becca are both still sleeping, and I'm alone.  This will perhaps be the last time I can say that this year.

Caleb arrives today, Jeff O. will be here Sunday, and our Renz family will be here next week.  There will be laughter, loudness, lots of eating, sharing, playing, and no doubt some strife over games that usually becomes quite intense in this family.  There will be early mornings of playing with Lydia, who will no doubt be sporting some wild hair and sucking fiercely on her paci in the predawn hours.  Ryan will be teased about his Smoky Mountain t-shirt, which he will likely bring with him.  Sarah will be ready for bed early each night, and Becca will be asking, "Is anyone else cold?"  Jeff O. will be continuing to learn how this family functions, as he assimilates himself into the Stewart culture, and Caleb will . . . well, he'll be Caleb!  Jeff S. will smoke a turkey, and we will have our traditional "Santa morning," even though it may be a few days later than usual, and probably in the afternoon instead of the morning this year.  It will be loud and messy, fun and memorable, and it will be us.  Nothing is more special to me than us.

This time of year is a time for looking back.  We all do it.  We remember the previous 12 months that we've flipped on our calendars, and although every year is different, they are also very much the same.  This year brought sickness, surgeries, death, frustrations and distance from loved ones.  But it also brought fun, joy, trips, reconnection with dear friends and family, graduations, growth, celebrations, and next week will culminate the year for us with a wedding as we officially welcome another Jeff into our tight-knit family.

As I look back on this year, one thing overwhelmingly stands out - thanksgiving.  I'm thankful for all of the blessings God has showered on me and my precious ones this year - they truly are too numerous to list.  And I'm even thankful for the difficult times because they serve a purpose as well.  I'm most thankful for the ones currently sleeping under this roof, and for those who will soon arrive back "home" and the ensuing chaos that will bring.  I'm thankful for God's care that got us to this point, and for the love my kids have for each other.  I'm especially thankful for the fact that these children of mine - who continue to grow in number - are also my brothers and sisters in Christ.  That fact only enriches our already close bonds even more.

The next time I'm home alone I will have a new set of memories to add to my precious store, as well as a new son-in-law.  I know from previous experience that when the last suitcase has been loaded and the last child leaves, it will be quiet again - a little too much so.  I will feel the melancholy that comes with the end of such a gathering, as I wash sheets and towels, vacuum up dog hair, and wipe little handprints off the windows.  But I will be thankful, and look forward to the coming year with all it will bring.  There's sure to be more difficulties, sickness, death, frustrations, and distance.  But there's also certainly to be fun, joy, laughter, reconnection, growth, and gatherings of my most precious ones.

Life.  Good and bad, happy and sad, joyous and difficult.  Such a blessing.

"Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies." ~Erich Fromm

“The God who made your children will hear your petitions. He has promised to do so. After all, He loves them more than you do.” ~Dr. James Dobson

"He loves them more than you do."  That thought has always amazed me.  Any mother will tell you that the love she has for her children is like no other.  And that doesn't change or lessen just because they grow up.  I would do anything in this world for my kids.  I would die for them. No hesitancy, no question.  Every mother I know feels the same way.

This week has reminded me of a lot of things regarding motherhood, as our boy has needed some care-taking.  What began as a simple hernia repair quickly turned into more.  Complications developed, a post-op visit to an ER ensued, and another operation had to be performed - two surgeries in as many days, with a few shots of Morphine between. Since coming home, it seems like we've had to jump one hurdle after another, taking two steps forward and three steps back.  It's been quite a week for our boy, and therefore, quite a week for his mama.

I won't give a replay of all the details of our week - Caleb probably prefers I do not do that, and honestly, I have no desire to re-live it!  But one event stands out in my mind above all the others - our visit to the ER.  While the doctor there attempted to alleviate Caleb's acute problem, he caused Caleb great pain in the process - more pain than he had ever experienced before.  And as I stood right outside the door, I could hear the sounds that come with excruciating pain.  I felt so helpless and wanted nothing more than to make the pain stop.  And even though my "boy" is actually a 23-year-old man, this mother's heart was wrenched as he endured that suffering.  I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat.  It makes me tear up even now as I remember.

That made me think about Mary, the mother of our Lord, standing at the foot of the cross.  I can't imagine the horror she endured as she watched her Son hanging there.  My experience with Caleb over the past week pales in comparison.  And what about God Himself - as His only begotten Son hung there.  It reminds me of the hymn, "How Deep the Father's Love For Us," in which Stuart Townend penned these words:

"How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure;

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away -

As wounds which mar the chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders;

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there,

Until it was accomplished.

His dying breath has brought me life,

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything -

No gifts, no power, no wisdom,

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer.

But this I know with all my heart -

His wounds have paid my ransom."

As James Dobson said, He DOES "love them more than you do."  He loves Caleb, and He loves me with a love that led Him to "give His only Son to make a wretch (like me) His treasure... It was MY sin that held Him there"... And yet, God was willing to give His perfect, sinless Son for someone as despicable as me.  That's a love that we should all aspire to have - to love as God loves.  What an awesome thought that should bring us to our knees.

I believe God gives us human relationships for several reasons.  Of course, one of those is to enrich our lives and to bring us great joy.  But I think another thing He does in giving those relationships is to help us understand - in our limited, human way - the love and relationships He sustains with us.

The church is described in the New Testament as both the Body and the Bride of Christ.  We know what it means to take care of our bodies and how the members must all work together.  Our knowledge of that gives us a better understanding of how the spiritual family works with Christ as the Head.  And the beautiful imagery we have in Ephesians 5 of the marriage relationship is really a picture of Christ's love for the church.  Paul even says so in Ephesians 5:32.  And these children God has blessed me with help me to have a small inkling of the depth of love my Heavenly Father has for me.  What a blessing.

Starting to feel better, and beating his mom at Phase 10

So, today I am thankful.  Thankful for Caleb's improvement, and that I was able to be here to help when he needed me; overwhelmed with gratitude for a God and Father who listens and responds to our prayers; grateful for doctors and medical knowledge that helped facilitate that healing.  And mostly thankful for the relationships God gives us here that help us feel and understand His amazing, undeserved, all-encompassing love.

"Behold, what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!" ~1 John 3:1

Pre-surgery on the first day - it went downhill from here ;)