“She loved them so much that she felt a kind of hollowness on the inner surface of her arms whenever she looked at them - an ache of longing to pull them close and hold them tight against her.” ~ Anne Tyler

I'm sitting here in the airport in Nashville, TN on this cold, rainy morning awaiting my flight home that departs in a few hours.  Ryan dropped me off early on his way to work this morning.  I've been here before.  Sitting in this same airport waiting to board a flight to return to my life in Tyler after spending time with Sarah and her precious family.  The feeling is always the same - looking forward to being home with Jeff again, but feeling a deep ache to the core of my soul for what I'm leaving behind.

I've been here for three weeks this time, and honestly, I'm beyond exhausted.  It has been a whirlwind of constant activity and little sleep with a silly, sweet, imaginative, talkative four-year-old girl who asks "Why?" after every statement (and I do mean EVERY single one); a rambunctious, charming, energetic, all-boy two-year-old whose current favorite word is "mine;" and a precious, cuddly newborn baby boy who thinks that long sleep stretches should happen only during the day and never at night.  Over the past three weeks, I have often wondered how I did the mothering thing full-time to two-year-old twins and a newborn.  The only feasible answer I've come up with is that I was much younger then.

But as exhausting as this month has been, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, and I would even gladly stay another three weeks if I was really needed.

My love for my three children is all-consuming, even as they have reached adulthood.  My heart walks around outside of my body in three different places at all times through them, and no matter how old they get, it will always be that way.  If you are a mother you know exactly what I'm talking about.

And now, my grandchildren have added an entirely new dimension.  I look at the three I've just spent time with and see glimpses of the past.  Although Lydia doesn't physically look like Sarah did at four years old, the personality is very much the same.  I look at Henry, and I'm reminded of a little boy named Caleb - the resemblance between those two is uncanny.  And as I've held and rocked Owen the past few weeks, I've seen glimpses of both Lydia and Henry.  But as much as they remind me of the past, they add such joy to the present, and so much hope for the future.  They help me to remember to live in the moment, to enjoy the simple things, to take life a day at a time, and that there's always time to laugh and be silly.  They are the fun that my own children were, without the weight of the daily parenting responsibility and with the added bonus of patience that can only come with age.

While talking with an older lady recently about grandchildren, I was surprised to hear her say that "the first one is special."  She went on to say that she knew I would enjoy my other grandchildren, but that the first one was in a class all their own.  I disagree.  Henry and Owen (and soon, Noah) are just as special as Lydia.  And as I've had time to hold, snuggle, and rock Owen in these first weeks of his life, the feelings have been as intense as they were when I held and rocked Lydia and Henry.  I am overwhelmed each time at how blessed I am - blessed to have godly children who are seeking to live and love like Christ, and who are dedicated to raising their children to do the same.

I love the quote I used as the title above.  And although I'm feeling that hollowness on the inner surface of my arms whose emptiness is currently producing a longing ache, I am also feeling a full heart of thankfulness to God for this life I have - a blessed life as a wife, mom, and Mimi that I would not trade for anything.

I'm thankful as well for a few weeks of rest before Mimi duty resumes in Midland as we welcome Noah into the family.  This Mimi can't wait.

"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” ~Debra Ginsberg

It happened several weeks ago as I was driving.  My phone pinged three different times.  I pulled into my destination parking lot, killed the engine, and looked at my phone.  I had three messages - one from each child.  And in that one moment, as I read each one, I simultaneously felt sorrow that brought tears, joy that made me laugh, and pride which made me rejoice.  I sat there thinking, "This is so weird!" How could I possibly feel all of that at the same time?

Three different children - who, by the way, aren't children anymore - in three different cities, three different settings, three different lives, experiencing three entirely different sets of circumstances, and within a few minutes of each other, they coincidentally happened to share those moments with me.

I've been at it for almost 29 years now, and it still amazes me - this journey of motherhood.  There's so much I did not know when I first began - so many things that no one can tell you.  Sure, I had observed others, read all the books I could get my hands on, and discussed parenting philosophies with my friends.  But until you actually experience it yourself, there's no way you can really get it.  What amazes me even more is with 29 years under my belt I'm still learning.

I remember the morning in the hospital when it was time to take our brand new baby girls home.  Jeff had gone to take care of some paperwork, and I was alone in the hospital room with these two tiny baby girls when it hit me - THEY were going home with ME.  And none of the nurses would be going with us.  I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility before me - not only to take care of their physical needs but to also provide all they would need to grow into responsible adults.  Even more sobering was the task before me to teach them to love God and to point their sweet, innocent souls toward heaven.

Lisa Wingate wrote, "Your children are the greatest gift God will give to you, and their souls the heaviest responsibility He will place in your hands.  Take time with them, teach them to have faith in God.  Be a person in whom they can have faith.  When you are old, nothing else you've done will have mattered as much."  That last sentence is especially key for me - truly, nothing else I have done - or will ever do - matters nearly as much.

I try not to give advice unless it is solicited.  But as we are all more keenly aware of motherhood this weekend, I offer the quote above as a good guideline to those of you who are in the midst of the formative years of your children.  The soul that began inside of you - or inside of a birth mother who relinquished that responsibility to you - will live eternally.  Ultimately we are each responsible before God for our own choices, and even a child who has been given all of the love and godly direction possible can (and sometimes does) choose to forsake that teaching.  But how we as parents handle those precious souls in establishing priorities in our homes will greatly impact their future choices.  I want my children to always choose God, don't you?  There's nothing else in this world that matters more to me than seeing my children someday in heaven. 

Three kids, in three different cities, with three very distinct lives, experiencing three diverse circumstances simultaneously causing their mom to laugh, cry, and rejoice all at once.  How?  Because they each have a very big chunk of their mother's heart so closely entwined with theirs that I physically FEEL every emotion from every life circumstance that comes their way.  Sometimes that is wonderful and brings me so much joy!  And yes, other times my heart breaks and tears flow.  And the best part of it all for me is that they all three put God first in their lives and are spreading His light to everyone their lives touch. 

John wrote in 3 John 4, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."  I think of that verse often.  Even amidst the sorrow and heartache that sometimes comes from events in their lives, and the regret I sometimes feel over things I think I could've done better, THAT joy and assurance override all other emotions.

So if you're a mom on this Mother's Day weekend, I hope you'll thank God for your children, and that we will all resolve to do our best to point our kids to Him.  And to Sarah, Becca, and Caleb - thank you for being who you are!  I am honored and humbled to be your mom, and I am so very proud of each one of you.  I'm overwhelmed that God chose ME to be YOUR mom - He truly gave me the best!

"Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." ~Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz"

I've felt like Dorothy since Wednesday when Jeff and I flew to Las Vegas - my first visit here, and probably my last.  Honestly, I'm ok with that.  Jeff was sent here by his company to attend the Consumer Electronics Show, and he asked me if I would like to come with him.  Yes, I knew of the reputation of Las Vegas, and I knew I would likely see a lot of gambling and such, but I really thought I could be here and successfully avoid most of that - boy was I ever wrong.

Our trip actually started out magnificently!  As we flew west from DFW, we encountered some beautiful sights on a partly cloudy day over New Mexico and Arizona that screamed of the power and might of our Holy Creator.  So much beauty that left me in awe.  As I snapped photos out of the airplane window, I was overcome with how these pictures just did not do justice to the sights I was blessed to see below.

We saw snow-capped mountains as we flew over the San Mateo mountain range in New Mexico.                                             We viewed the beauty and peacefulness of Lake

Mead as we made our approach into Las Vegas.  Due to the increased cloud cover in parts of Arizona, we were not able to see the Grand Canyon from the air - but I knew it was just below us.

As I contemplated these wonders, I thought of passages such as Psalm 95:4, "In His hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to Him."  And also Romans 1:20, "For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."  These are the thoughts that filled my mind as we landed in Las Vegas, along with how greatly blessed I feel to be a child of the Almighty God.

Then we got off the plane, and we walked into the Las Vegas Airport to scenes such as these...                                 
Slot machines, located right at the exit from the plane.  You can immediately begin gambling before you even go to baggage claim, and they make it easy for you. 

Then - still not to baggage claim yet - I stopped in the restroom, and I saw this sign on the back of a stall door - an offer of help to victims of human trafficking.  Such a plea to someone in the ladies' restroom wouldn't be there if this was not a problem.  I immediately thought of how Las Vegas is referred to as "Sin City." I had only been here for 15 minutes or so, and I could already see why.

What a stark contrast from the beauty my Holy Creator had displayed for my viewing just minutes before.

We took an Uber from the airport the short distance to the hotel where we are staying, and the debauchery continued.  Hotels here are set up in such a way that you cannot get to your room, to restaurants, or anywhere else in the hotel without walking through the smoke-filled casinos.  By Wednesday night, I was beginning to think I had made a big mistake in coming.

It hasn't been all bad - I mean, how can you minimize the greatness of M&M World (all four stories of it) just down the street, not to mention Hershey World a block away!  The food we've eaten has been amazing, and last night we saw Cirque du Soleil perform an unbelievable show.  It has also been nice to have some "away" time with Jeff, along with some time to rest away from the always long "to do" lists of home, enjoying all of the perks that go with staying in a nice hotel.  And Jeff has enjoyed his time at the CES, seeing some amazing innovative ideas in electronics. 

I realize my exposure here has been extremely limited, and I'm sure there are other good things and good, godly people in parts of this city that I have not seen.  But for the most part, it has just been sad to me to see the mass of humanity that pursues futile attempts to find pleasure and fulfillment in nothing but ungodliness. 

Yes, Dorothy, you are right  - we're not in Kansas anymore, and we are definitely not in East Texas.  We fly home tomorrow and I am ready.  Ready to be back in the conservative 'Bible Belt" where most people have some sense of the need to acknowledge a Higher Power and seek to serve Him.  This brief trip to "Sin City" has made me more aware and thankful for the godly home I was raised in, the godly people in my little world, and God's providential care that has continually blessed me in unimaginable ways throughout my life - mostly through the abundant life He has given me through the blood of His Son.  He offers that to everyone.  I hope you are enjoying that, too.

"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers."  ~Psalm 1:1-3